WRAD Memories

Expectations. I have come to realize that I have a love-hate relationship with 'Expectations'. Before something happens you have this dream of what it's going to look like. And, the longer you have to wait the bigger the expectations become (at least for me it's seemed that way). Expectations: being given a picture and told to replicate it in cake form. I have grand ideas of what all my cake attempts should look like (think professional perfection)- but the reality of my experience doesn't always translate the same way. Thankfully this one turned out really well! Then you hit reality. You finally get what you've been waiting/wanting/dreaming for all that time. But, it's different than what you were expecting it to be/look like. Not that it's bad or anything (although sometimes it can be). It's just different than what you dreamt it would be. My life seems to be just that- hoping and praying for things to happen only to have reality ...

One of the main reasons that I haven't been writing over the past year (other than being really busy with cadets and my grandmother's ongoing history project....) is that things have been pretty crappy around here. I haven't really been feeling like I'm getting anywhere with anything- so how could I put a great spin on something that just seems to suck? In the past when I'd tried blogging (or journaling), it always seemed like I was just whining and complaining about the same things over and over again. And nobody really wants to hear about that, so then I just don't write. People have enough garbage going on in their own lives that they don't need to listen to someone else whine about theirs. But is that really where we're at? I know that there has been some backlash against this with the 'Bad Mommy' type memoirs and blogs, however, that's not really what I'm talking about. I think it's sometimes about being real and vulner...

Where to begin? This year has been crazy. Not just for me, but for a lot of my home schooling friends as well. I thought that going into year five of this home schooling journey was a bit of an 'arrival' of sorts. That just maybe I had 'made it' and was on to smoother sailings. Uhm.... no... Getting rid of the dog lifted a huge weight of the constant responsibility- but at the same time the heaviness was still there. Like a daughter who would break out into weeping fits when she thought about the dog and still asks me when he's coming back or when I will get another dog to replace him. I expended copious amount of time trying to deal with and train him- and getting rid of him signaled yet another failure that was emotionally hard to deal with. We also signed Elijah up with our local Air Cadet program and I have been volunteering with that as well. It's been interesting getting 'out' into the world again. For the past number of years our family ...

The first time it dawned on my was when Elijah was 6 weeks old. The first 'real' smile from our baby and Graham had gotten it. I was mad! I was also hurt, angry, confused... Why had HE gotten the first smile when I'm taking care of this baby 24/7? I'M the one that is up all night with him. I'M the one spending hours every day feeding him, changing his diaper, etc. But that's when I realized it- I was spending so much time 'taking care of' my baby that I forgot to enjoy my baby. And that's all that Graham did. Once I realized what I was doing (or rather NOT doing) I made some changes and eventually got my own smiles. But somehow, over time, I've fallen back into that rut. I've been so focused on the tasks of parenting that I've been missing out on the relationships of parenting. Teaching manners, training in chores, getting their school work done, music practiced- you know the parenting drill. Working for perfection and mis...

Over the past month or so, I've been sort of trying to figure out how to embrace Christmas in a more reflective way- to get beyond the secular to the sacred. I'm not sure it happened. Now that I'm on the other side of Christmas for another year, I find myself reflecting once again on just what exactly is the point of all of it? I did pretty much all the things that I thought would help us reflect on the WHY of Christmas as well as spend time together as a family making memories: baking, advent readings, Christmas concerts/plays, skipping school for snow days, etc. And I wonder, did I even manage to plant a seed in my childrens' subconscious minds about WHY I was having them do any of this stuff? To focus on the WHY (Jesus needing to come and die for our sins) instead of the STUFF. Somehow I can't seem to shake the feeling that somehow we (read- they) STILL missed it. Sort of like the people did when Jesus first came- they were looking for a revolutionary...

A few days ago I watched a video about distracted moms (by Carol Barnier author of the book "If I'm Diapering a Watermelon, Then Where'd I Leave the Baby?: Help for the Highly Distractible Mom"). I thought to myself, 'yeah, I guess I can get a bit distracted'. Little did I know that probably the next day I would realize just how bad it was. I was trying to explain some math concept to one of the boys and I noticed that his fingernails REALLY needed to be cut. It took EVERY ounce of self control to not interrupt what we were doing and go cut them that very second. I immediately thought back to the video. Yep. I'm a distracted mom. But something in what she said in the video really hit a nerve deep within. At first she thought that she needed to fix this distractability and become the Pinterest perfect home schooling mom. She had charts and list and everything possible to keep herself organized and on task. Only it didn't work because the...

I realized that even though I said I was going away camping with the kids, I never actually got around to posting anything about it- or some of the other adventures that we've had this summer. And then I was waiting on some pictures of the dog- so I STILL didn't post this. Well, hopefully it's better late than never, lol! This summer didn't turn out like I'd originally hoped because of the dog, but I think on the whole it wasn't too bad (I can't believe it's over already, though. It went by so fast!). We started our summer holidays a bit early because mentally I was just done. That, and we got our dog- which we eventually named 'Choco'. It's a shortened form of chocolate, which the kids thought was ironic since too much chocolate can kill a dog- but he's varying shades of brown, so I thought it suited him. And after three weeks of having him, he needed a name already. Anyone who knows anything about dogs knows that Airedales are N...

Finally, the last semester. I really can't believe that we've FINISHED four years already!?!?! Where has the time gone? Anyway, while the year may have started out well, I mentally bailed out near the end of May. I. was. just. done! After talking with Jeremiah's speech therapist I understood why- our brains do best on a regular cycle of learning and rest (a maximum of 3 months learning and then time off to assimilate and process the information learned). Unfortunately the January - June model of schooling doesn't work into that properly and so she seemed to think it completely normal for my brain to have shut down then (based on how long it had been since the spring break). She actually advocated for year round schooling (three months on/one month off). I'm seriously considering it. Well, for final term. This spring was a bit odd for us, since my husband actually ended up being off for six weeks due to hernia surgery. Geocaching with daddy- his first...

I went to my parents for lunch after church today. Several hours later it was time to pack up the kids and go home. Lo and behold, not one of them wanted to leave. It's really hard to compete with no screen restrictions and the pool- I mean really, why on earth would they ever want to leave? Since tomorrow is my wedding anniversary, my mom graciously agreed to keep all the kids so I can sleep in! What are the chances that I'll be able to do that now that I can? It really was a nice quiet evening. Graham and I could actually have a full conversation that wasn't getting interrupted every five seconds by either a scream child or nagging questions. We both reminisced about how this was our life before kids (and how long it had been since we'd actually been at home together, without a specific purpose to occupy us (like our never-ending reno's), with not even one kid around). But you know what? It didn't take long for both of us to agree that even in the mi...