One of the main reasons that I haven't been writing over the past year (other than being really busy with cadets and my grandmother's ongoing history project....) is that things have been pretty crappy around here.
I haven't really been feeling like I'm getting anywhere with anything- so how could I put a great spin on something that just seems to suck?
In the past when I'd tried blogging (or journaling), it always seemed like I was just whining and complaining about the same things over and over again. And nobody really wants to hear about that, so then I just don't write.
People have enough garbage going on in their own lives that they don't need to listen to someone else whine about theirs.
But is that really where we're at? I know that there has been some backlash against this with the 'Bad Mommy' type memoirs and blogs, however, that's not really what I'm talking about.
I think it's sometimes about being real and vulnerable with others and admitting that things are broken and you need help. It's about being honest.
I've finally gotten to that place- and boy is it ever scary.
A few weeks ago I did the 'casually throw something out there and see what bites' type of conversation with a Special Education advocate. What I wasn't really expecting was a response other than 'you need to get your act together'.
Only I got the opposite. Education flags for all 5 kids (ranging in intensity) that she recommended having investigated!
How could this have happened?
How could I have given birth to kids that might be 'not normal' or, dare I say, 'disabled'?
What all did I do to make them this way?
What can I do to make this better and go away?
Maybe I just need to pray and fast more to 'cast out' whatever is causing this?
Or, maybe I'm really making a mountain out of a mole hill and I just need to try harder to get my act together.... I don't know....
But then she also said that this isn't my fault. Can I really believe that?
Can it really be that all my frustrations from the past few years are a result of fighting against an unseen enemy that's got it's grip on my kids' brains and bodies? And not because I suck as a parent/teacher?
I threw my line into the ocean and I feel like I've hooked onto Leviathan. And honestly, I'm a bit freaked out.
Yet at the same time, it feels like there might be a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel.
Hope that we will find the right resources to integrate genius with challenges in a way that helps the kids to not feel like they're being singled out as dumb.
Hope that I will finally realize WHY things head south sometimes- but more importantly how to curb it or at least reign it in faster than we are doing now. (And learn how to separate my feelings of frustration with the behaviour from my feelings for the child.)
Mainly, a hope that things will get better. For me, for my kids and for our family as a whole.
What is it going to look like going forward?
I'm not exactly sure- other than we have to go back to being enrolled to actually get the help we need without re-mortgaging the house to get it. Thankfully, we will have IEP's in place for, I think, all of the kids- so there won't be as much pressure to perform in the traditional sense. Hallelujah!
It could also mean switching schools. Unfortunately, the one I'm interested in (and has been recommended for it's excellent Special Ed program) is currently full with a long wait list.
Which might mean staying where we are with three of the kids most in need of help and switching the other two to the new school to relieve some of the academic pressure on me (they have online and full day classes that the kids could take so that I don't have to actually teach everyone everything- just help them where needed).
All this to say that I feel lost and vulnerable and very unsure of what I need to do next or if I should have opened up this can of worms in the first place.
Hopefully over the next couple of weeks the meetings that need to happen and the directions that we need to go will become much more clear and the light will get brighter.
Keeping it real, by the grace of God...
Tammy
I haven't really been feeling like I'm getting anywhere with anything- so how could I put a great spin on something that just seems to suck?
In the past when I'd tried blogging (or journaling), it always seemed like I was just whining and complaining about the same things over and over again. And nobody really wants to hear about that, so then I just don't write.
People have enough garbage going on in their own lives that they don't need to listen to someone else whine about theirs.
But is that really where we're at? I know that there has been some backlash against this with the 'Bad Mommy' type memoirs and blogs, however, that's not really what I'm talking about.
I think it's sometimes about being real and vulnerable with others and admitting that things are broken and you need help. It's about being honest.
I've finally gotten to that place- and boy is it ever scary.
A few weeks ago I did the 'casually throw something out there and see what bites' type of conversation with a Special Education advocate. What I wasn't really expecting was a response other than 'you need to get your act together'.
Only I got the opposite. Education flags for all 5 kids (ranging in intensity) that she recommended having investigated!
How could this have happened?
How could I have given birth to kids that might be 'not normal' or, dare I say, 'disabled'?
What all did I do to make them this way?
What can I do to make this better and go away?
Maybe I just need to pray and fast more to 'cast out' whatever is causing this?
Or, maybe I'm really making a mountain out of a mole hill and I just need to try harder to get my act together.... I don't know....
But then she also said that this isn't my fault. Can I really believe that?
Can it really be that all my frustrations from the past few years are a result of fighting against an unseen enemy that's got it's grip on my kids' brains and bodies? And not because I suck as a parent/teacher?
I threw my line into the ocean and I feel like I've hooked onto Leviathan. And honestly, I'm a bit freaked out.
Yet at the same time, it feels like there might be a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel.
Hope that we will find the right resources to integrate genius with challenges in a way that helps the kids to not feel like they're being singled out as dumb.
Hope that I will finally realize WHY things head south sometimes- but more importantly how to curb it or at least reign it in faster than we are doing now. (And learn how to separate my feelings of frustration with the behaviour from my feelings for the child.)
Mainly, a hope that things will get better. For me, for my kids and for our family as a whole.
What is it going to look like going forward?
I'm not exactly sure- other than we have to go back to being enrolled to actually get the help we need without re-mortgaging the house to get it. Thankfully, we will have IEP's in place for, I think, all of the kids- so there won't be as much pressure to perform in the traditional sense. Hallelujah!
It could also mean switching schools. Unfortunately, the one I'm interested in (and has been recommended for it's excellent Special Ed program) is currently full with a long wait list.
Which might mean staying where we are with three of the kids most in need of help and switching the other two to the new school to relieve some of the academic pressure on me (they have online and full day classes that the kids could take so that I don't have to actually teach everyone everything- just help them where needed).
All this to say that I feel lost and vulnerable and very unsure of what I need to do next or if I should have opened up this can of worms in the first place.
Hopefully over the next couple of weeks the meetings that need to happen and the directions that we need to go will become much more clear and the light will get brighter.
Keeping it real, by the grace of God...
Tammy
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