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Newborn Smiles and New Beginnings

The first time it dawned on my was when Elijah was 6 weeks old. The first 'real' smile from our baby and Graham had gotten it.

I was mad!

I was also hurt, angry, confused...

Why had HE gotten the first smile when I'm taking care of this baby 24/7? I'M the one that is up all night with him. I'M the one spending hours every day feeding him, changing his diaper, etc.

But that's when I realized it- I was spending so much time 'taking care of' my baby that I forgot to enjoy my baby.

And that's all that Graham did.

Once I realized what I was doing (or rather NOT doing) I made some changes and eventually got my own smiles. But somehow, over time, I've fallen back into that rut.

I've been so focused on the tasks of parenting that I've been missing out on the relationships of parenting. Teaching manners, training in chores, getting their school work done, music practiced- you know the parenting drill.

Working for perfection and missing who they are as people.

No wonder things feel crazy. With everything I do with and for them each day- my heart and mind haven't been present to really BE with them.

Under the Old Covenant- it was all rules, rules, rules. The New Covenant had God's laws written onto our heart so that our Spirit would connect with Him (Heb. 10:16).

Somehow, the training of my children has turned back into the rules (the Law) instead of a relationship of the heart (grace).

It probably has a lot to do with where my heart is at. Frustrated at all the failings I can see in my own life it's so easy to compare to the perfection we perceive in other people's lives. Then we get even more discouraged about where our lives are at and sometimes we even give up trying anymore, since what's the use?

Today marks Day 1 of an online bible study that I will be doing through the Proverbs 31 Ministries called Made to Crave- Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, not Food. It's exactly where I'm at right now.

I'm looking around at everyone else's life and getting bummed out that they seem to have what my soul is craving- but the cravings I'm looking to fill have little or nothing to do with God.

Which is why I'm, as my husband put it the other day, 'self-medicating with food' (he was referring to himself in this instance, but it's my modas operandi as well).

Going through the motions doesn't get you anywhere, and for me- it needs to stop. I need to have God strip away all those things that I'm craving that aren't Him so that I can re-engage in life.

I've tried so many times to change that it's easy to wonder why I'd even try again- I'll probably just fail this time again, so it's easier to just not start.

But then I'm reminded of the father with his sick boy in Mark 9:22b where he says, "...But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!" 23 And Jesus said to him, "'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes." 24 Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

That is my cry tonight, 'Help my unbelief!'

Keeping it real, by the grace of God
Tammy
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