WRAD Memories

Earlier this month I went to a Ladies Retreat. I was so excited to finally have everything work out (or so I thought) for me to go. A friend had told me about the speaker several years earlier and they had had some retreats in the past, but they were too expensive and I either had a little one that couldn't be left or Graham was working and couldn't watch them. Finally, I realized that Graham actually had that weekend off and I had his permission- so I signed up to go. Only after I paid did I realize that I was actually supposed to be really busy that weekend. Elijah had the Cadet 'Tag Days' that weekend as well as Graham's work 'Family Fun Day'. Yikes! I actually considered cancelling but figured that if God had worked this out for me to go, I should go. Besides, I figured that I needed this 'refreshing' break to rejuvenate me to be a better wife/mom/teacher (that was the speaker's focus). Notice how I put the 'refreshing' part...

Where to begin? This year has been crazy. Not just for me, but for a lot of my home schooling friends as well. I thought that going into year five of this home schooling journey was a bit of an 'arrival' of sorts. That just maybe I had 'made it' and was on to smoother sailings. Uhm.... no... Getting rid of the dog lifted a huge weight of the constant responsibility- but at the same time the heaviness was still there. Like a daughter who would break out into weeping fits when she thought about the dog and still asks me when he's coming back or when I will get another dog to replace him. I expended copious amount of time trying to deal with and train him- and getting rid of him signaled yet another failure that was emotionally hard to deal with. We also signed Elijah up with our local Air Cadet program and I have been volunteering with that as well. It's been interesting getting 'out' into the world again. For the past number of years our family ...

The first time it dawned on my was when Elijah was 6 weeks old. The first 'real' smile from our baby and Graham had gotten it. I was mad! I was also hurt, angry, confused... Why had HE gotten the first smile when I'm taking care of this baby 24/7? I'M the one that is up all night with him. I'M the one spending hours every day feeding him, changing his diaper, etc. But that's when I realized it- I was spending so much time 'taking care of' my baby that I forgot to enjoy my baby. And that's all that Graham did. Once I realized what I was doing (or rather NOT doing) I made some changes and eventually got my own smiles. But somehow, over time, I've fallen back into that rut. I've been so focused on the tasks of parenting that I've been missing out on the relationships of parenting. Teaching manners, training in chores, getting their school work done, music practiced- you know the parenting drill. Working for perfection and mis...

I'm finally trying to get my home school reports in to my support teacher and I'm realizing just how much my kids have not been listening to many of the things that I have been telling them to do. It's almost like they are on a quest to see how little they can do/get away with before I get upset with them. However, I think my frustration level with this is probably linked more to my realization that I'M not doing things that I think God has told ME to do (or told me to stop doing but I'm still doing them). So, I'm reaping what I'm sowing- and I hate it. But I've also realized something else- my heart doesn't really want to change things. My head KNOWS I should, but the 'rubber is not meeting the road' at this point. After all, who really doesn't like being selfish and getting their way and doing whatever they want when they want to do it? Forget about serving others, I want to be served! And yet, it grieves me each night when ...

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like nearly every decision you make seem to be bad ones? Or maybe it seems like it's been weeks... or months... or even years! You think that you have all your logical reasons for or against something, but then after you move in that direction it no longer seems like such a great idea? It's kind of ironic some days that my baptism verse was Is. 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."." There are so many days that I either haven't felt like I heard anything or when I thought I heard something, somehow it didn't seem like it was really the right voice that I heard. My first foray into hearing God's voice was while reading the book by Bill Hybels "Too Busy Not to Pray" (I think). From that time on I've tended to live by the idea that as long as it doesn't contradict scriptur...

Lately I haven't been feeling like I'm getting anywhere with things. I'm dwelling too much on what's NOT working (or getting done, etc.), than I am on what IS working. The laundry piles, the cluttered counters and dirty dishes, the 'still unplanned home school/day schedule', kids who've decided that they don't want to listen or do anything you've told them for the past 10 years! Yadda, yadda, yadda. It's easy to get dragged down into the dumps when you do that. This then becomes a catch-22 where you get so upset that you just want to numb yourself in some way: internet, Facebook, reading, hobbies, eating, drinking, drugs, etc. The list is long of things that we use to fill the hole that's there in our lives. Unfortunately, what they all have in common is that fact that the moment we turn to them instead of to God- they become our idols. As I've been reading through the Old Testament I've been pondering the whole 'heart att...

Just when I think things are getting back on track, they seem to fall apart all over again. Mainly it has to do with my 'to-do' list. Honestly, I wish I could clone 10 of me just so I could do all the things that I want to do as well as all the things I HAVE to do. But I'm realizing that really my problem is that I can't seem to say 'NO', and it's just making things worse. Also tied to that is trying to daily do God's agenda instead of mine. Can I let you in on a little secret? I've sucked at doing that lately. Thankfully, God's mercies are new every morning (Lam. 3:22-23), so I can hit the restart button and try again tomorrow. On the upside, I am trying to be more present with my kids and in everything that we're doing each day. Hormones have subsided (which I'm discovering make me really crazy), I'm hardly yelling at all and I'm slowly trying some new techniques with the kids in order to change some behaviours tha...

I always think it's neat when I can see God moving in my life. For me lately, everything I'm reading in my bible (as I attempt to go cover-to-cover in 90 days), all the sermons I'm hearing and the topics from our Friday night bible study group, are all pointing to the same thing. A total, heartfelt obedience to God. Like my blog post  here . This past week, I finally hit that moment of surrender. And was it ever freeing. God gave me such a cool picture to go along with it- but that's just for me and Him for now. But surrender is only the first step- now I need to walk that out. Doing ALL the things He asks me to and NOT doing those things that He says not to. I feel overwhelmed by it all. Where do I start? However, those thoughts are mine, not His. Surrender is listening for the next instruction and then doing it. And then repeating the whole listening/doing thing for the rest of my life. It's laying down my agenda for what I want to do/accompl...

Tonight I NEED to write. It's been a LONG summer so far and for no reason really, I felt like the past few days have just about put me over the edge. So I need to write and find the good in this, because if I don't I keep dwelling on the bad. Today started with an interesting dream. In it, I was going to be driving my friend's car- but I realized the back passenger door was open and thought 'I need to close it before I go'. For some reason I didn't- and only discovered that when I got to my destination. I got out to check to see if there was any damage and both the doors on that side were massively scraped up. I felt sick to my stomach over it. There was no way to hide the damage and no way I could pretend it never happened. In some ways, it's a lot like life. You see something that you KNOW you really need to do. Unfortunately, life distracts you and it doesn't get done (or the other way- you don't stop doing things you know you shouldn...

I started a summer project. Oh yes, not like bringing home a puppy wasn't enough craziness for the summer- I've gone and added something else. I set a goal for myself- read through my bible in 90 days. At first I hummed and hawed about doing it. Would I really retain anything to make it worthwhile? Shouldn't I do a slow methodical study to get as much as possible out of it? Blah, blah, blah... Then I figured, anything that gets me at least reading my bible on a regular basis (whatever the outcome) would be a GOOD thing. So I started out with great enthusiasm and even got a day ahead of myself. Now, I'm behind (surprise, surprise). REALLY behind. Out of town visitors and a week of camping will do that, but I'm working on getting caught up again. Until then, I want to share a little nugget that I got from Ex. 36:2. "Then Moses summoned Bezalel and Oholiab and every skilled person to whom the Lord had given ability and who was willing to come and ...

A couple of weeks ago I read this really funny blog post (found here  Worst End of School Year Mom ). It was really quite hilarious and so where I'm at these days. I have grand intentions every time I start something new. Things like school years, diets, exercise regimes, organizational to-do lists, schedules, habits, blog posts, etc. You name it and I'm pretty good at starting it- but finishing it, well, let's just say I'm not too good at that part. Elijah doing his first potato sack race at their school's sports day- he ended up wiping out and not finishing well. Trying not to come in last. For the past week and a bit (it's taken me a while to get this post written and up), I've had God gently nudging me with the scripture from Heb. 12:1-3: the whole thing about persevering right to the very end- putting my whole heart and soul into things until they're finished. Unfortunately, I usually peter out after completing only 5 - 10% of som...

A while back I wrote about a video series that we're going through with our home group. In it, they talked about God giving us over to our own stubborn desires in order to help draw us back to Him (Ps. 81). I think I've found my latest version of this- our new dog. And yes, it's only been three days! Short honeymoon, eh? He is the cutest thing ever- but I HATE potty training. I hate the 'presents' that he gives us when we don't get it right (at least my kids didn't do that on the carpet!). And, I'm seriously lacking in sleep from his whining during the night. NOT a good combination. As I was thinking about it I began to realize something- as I'm getting 'squeezed' by this latest challenge in my life, how am I responding? Snarly- just like how I was feeling today. Honestly, it really hasn't been all that pretty. I don't think it's been very pretty for most of us- each in different ways. In some ways it makes me sad t...