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Is Anybody Listening to Me?

I'm finally trying to get my home school reports in to my support teacher and I'm realizing just how much my kids have not been listening to many of the things that I have been telling them to do.

It's almost like they are on a quest to see how little they can do/get away with before I get upset with them.

However, I think my frustration level with this is probably linked more to my realization that I'M not doing things that I think God has told ME to do (or told me to stop doing but I'm still doing them).

So, I'm reaping what I'm sowing- and I hate it.

But I've also realized something else- my heart doesn't really want to change things. My head KNOWS I should, but the 'rubber is not meeting the road' at this point.

After all, who really doesn't like being selfish and getting their way and doing whatever they want when they want to do it? Forget about serving others, I want to be served!

And yet, it grieves me each night when I fall into bed that I've lived my day like that. It grieves me even more when I realize the example that it's setting for my kids- which means that they are living each day like that and I end up refereeing a 3-ring circus all day!

In my heart I keep hoping there is a miracle 'obedience pill'- the one that you take and all of a sudden you're always obedient to everything God wants to you do.

So that I'd never want to sleep in ever again- I'd always be up at 4 am to get a good couple of hours in on my devotions.

I'd never over-eat/over-spend ever again- just the thought of doing that would make me violently ill.

I would ALWAYS be gracious to my children (and every one else that I come in contact with for the rest of my life) and NEVER speak and unkind word in an unkind way ever again.

My house would always be ready for visitors- sparkling clean and smelling fresh.

While some of those dreams could be classified as being slightly 'Biblical', I'm realizing all these things are about making ME look good and having people be impressed with ME.

That doesn't work.

There is no obedience pill. Just a daily dying to self and living for Christ- and it starts with the next choice I make.

And then the next....

And then the next....

Living a life of humility seeking one thing- Christ and His glorification (not mine).

There may not be a magic 'obedience pill', but there is a real map to finding that place of whole-hearted, surrendered obedience.

Hopefully one day I'll stop focusing on myself long enough to really look for it.

Keeping it real, by the grace of God...
Tammy

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